He sits in the place he isn’t allowed
because rules are always and only for breaking.
With my lover, I’ve come to dislike things I once couldn’t wait to have. Certain words like “Boyfriend” “relationship” “being together” have all come to invoke certain feelings of nausea and dizziness. My heart leaps in a quick panic when anyone refers to my significant other as my ‘boyfriend’, why? Here’s why. And let me be frank, honest and open about this.
He turned me off of the idea of it. We were getting close, spending time together, laughing at each other’s jokes, being deep and philosophical with each other. We shared the same pained understanding about our youth, our friends, ourselves and our education. We were, it would seem, a near perfect match after all. I remember the words that started us off on the relationship bandwagon. It was late and we were in my room, I was sitting on top of him playfully and in-between laughter and giggling, something clicked, I looked down at his face as he reclined against a pillow, the t.v humming softly in the background, light reflecting off of his face, so I could focus on his eyes especially. The moment was right , I decided, to tell him how I felt. We were close enough, we were right there, so I said it and watched for his response. I said, “I…I want you all to myself…” I was serious, looking down shyly at his hands as I played with them, then I looked up to see his face, he was still there in the moment with me, he was thinking now, and I was readying myself to respond to what ever he was to say next. He said that he’ll try. Up until he left that evening, he said, in-between my ‘see ya later’ kisses, that he’ll try and see. I was optimistic, surprised, but cautiously optimistic. It made me nervous and giddy.
I didn’t know however that him saying that he’ll ‘try’ meant that he’d try from that night, that we’d be official with those words. It was an communicated sentiment. I was thinking he would mull it over, give it some more thoughts, have a few conversations about it then come to a relationship agreement. Eight days later, i pried and discovered that he counted that night as THE night it started. For a while we couldn’t say anything to people, no posting random selfies, no going overboard with the pdas, except that we were very loving. It was a convenient beginning because it was in April and we had a long summer ahead of us to , spend more time together. He was honestly the most exciting experience of the semester. Sorry, but it’s the truth. School was stupid, people were being difficult, I had lost a couple of my friends, because I decided that I deserved better than shitty, poor form friendships, where treating you like less that you deserve was supposed to be seen as ‘motivation’ or for ‘your own good’. Nope! It was bullshit. So my so-called relationship came at a time I needed something good to happen.
I never really like the feel of the word ‘boyfriend’ in my mouth, after a while, I started referring to him as my ‘boyfriend’ at home but it felt weird. He was so much more that a ‘boyfriend’ he deserved much finer words like ‘everything’ and as cheesy and cliched as the word is, it described the depths of our relationship. He became, my family in a sense, the one who would pull up my socks when I was being stupid, who would hold my hand because I needed it sometimes, He supported me in everything and said the hardest things I would ever have to hear, the truth. He was honest, considerate, real. I needed real. After getting rid of the toxic friendships in my life, I needed honesty, even if I couldn’t hear it sometimes. I needed someone to be honest with me about myself, so I could know where I stand with them and how they see me and our relationship. Plus it’s just good to keep a relationship on track, so that NO ONE has any illusions about what’s going on.
The moment my boss told me that I couldn’t bring him inside the lab where I work, I cringed on the inside. Suddenly it became real and we couldn’t hide behind the ‘we’ll try and see’ anymore. Our relationship had always been our affair, our business, people speculated but we never openly answered them. We had tossed and turned over the status of our relationship for a long time and now knowing that others saw it, really saw it for what it was to us, without speaking to us directly or just straight up being told, it alarmed me. Yes we were clearly ‘together’ but for most of the year of our ‘trying’ we had hidden the labels, we had decided against the ‘what is it’, especially me, I was always eager, so I had to calm down and wait. We had lived in and out of denial every week and now, hearing someone referring to him like that, it made it seem so real. Do you understand how complicated our relationship is? By now you should get the idea. We’re not typical guys and gals, we’re not like the other ‘couples’, it’s not as simple as holding hands and kissing, it’s a whole host of shit that comes with this new, challenging territory. We have created a mountain out of a mole hill and fussed and fumed over with it is or should be, but in the end, after all the thoughts and heart to hearts, we’re together and it’s as simple as that, (well it should be anyways.)
Let’s not break the rules, but first thing’s first… You are what you are. A label is only a label.