You know how everyone says “new year, new me” ? Well over the years I’ve come to the detest the very thought or mention of such a phrase. I did something different for the New Year this time and spent it away from home, on a beach…weed in the air, alcohol on the brain, sand beneath my feet and the most annoying DJ and set ever, yet still I stood up and tried my very best to stay awake and alert. This was what I wanted, I’ve craved adventure, and fun and loud music and a beach and I was getting it, almost comically.
The year started off for me in a new space, new people and I was all chilled and mellow, but still I had this feeling in the back of my mind. I was uneasy. For me like many people, I imagine, the new year means change and big things, big scary things and more decisions to make. Everything is going up another level and though Tobago’s beautiful air, distracted me from that anxiety that is my constant companion, I came home and as I walked out the Port, I succumbed to the now unmuted anxiety. New Year means change, and here I was thinking, very unenthusiastically, it’s just the end of another full rotation around the sun…no big deal. But it is a big deal. It’s my last semester, my last shot to fix my gpa. My last chance to figure out what the hell i’m doing with my life! I’m freaking out about it just typing it.
The soothing sounds of Michael Jackson’s ‘You Rock My World’ keep things at bay. For now. But Yesterday I actually put together a list of resolutions, my first in years and it’s a step in the right direction. I’ve got lots of work to do and it feels like a there’s only a little time left to accomplish them. So here’s my thought process… my pressure builds and i list things.
Here’s what I know for sure.
I am in my twenties and I haven’t found what I’m truly passionate about.
Fear has kept me from doing anything worthwhile.
I am financially challenged (like lots of peeps in my generation)
I am afraid I’ll end up doing and being nothing.
Sometimes when I’m on the edge of this fear, these thoughts, I find a little ball of light that switches it around to say the opposite and I get Excited.
I am Young, I have all the time in the world to do many things. I will have so many experiences and learn about so much.
I will use my fear as a reason to work harder to do things, the more it scares me, the more i will want to try.
I may not have all the money I need to do things, but I will make do with what I have and don’t have.
I am a late bloomer, I am a blank slate, which means I am in an exciting time in my life where I can make myself into whatever I want and try different things, just because i’ve never tried them before. I am in a age of new.
I constantly need to remind myself… ‘Self, calm down, deep breaths, listen, think, remember what we talked about. Don’t get carried away.’ and thus my anti- negative list was born…again.
If you feel as I do, share your thoughts with me. If you understand the insanity and have survived…please don’t hesitate to throw a life raft. I struggle, but I ain’t that badly off as Trinis say.
Have any kind words to offer?
Have an Awesome Year Anyways!