I’ve known that I have been interested in what’s inside my boyfriend’s pants for a while now. It’s been two years and our sexual chemistry is like a steam engine, no breakdowns, no having to fix parts for it to work, it goes and goes. We’re like beasts. I tease him a lot and he’s handsy and I love it. He is especially smitten with my ass and though sometimes it makes me wonder if he likes that the most, I am always reassured that he’s smart enough to know that he has the whole package with me. I mean, not to blow my own horn (or anything else) but I’m pretty great. With all my insecurities and my fears about a lot of things and how frustrating I can make both myself and my boyfriend, I always realize that I am more than just my faults and shortcomings. I’ve heard it from his mouth, the ‘sometimes I don’t know why I’m with you, but then you remind me exactly why’ conversation takes me by surprise.
But here’s my issue. I’ve been fighting with myself about how to go about taking the next plunge. How do I look him in the eye and say “I’m ready now…for real this time” without second, third, fourth and fifth guessing myself. I look at him and I love absolutely everything about him, when he smiles, when he geeks out over car engines, or physics, or a random article he happens to agree with (despite not expecting to). The fact that he’s authoritative, can be an asshole, and bordering along the lines of an insufferable know-it-all even somehow, makes me love him even more. Why? Because he’s honest. He’s brave, bold and intelligent. He talks to you and listens, he knows himself and what he wants, he inspires me, he pushes me, pressures me to be the best version of myself, not to mention that he is my best friend and he is always there for me when I need him. Yes, my attraction and my feelings are there. I have hit the jackpot this time around, the first real time around actually, but I woke up this morning feeling so uneasy.
We were in the zone last night, play fighting, watching the t.v but not really. We we going places. Wink wink! But it wasn’t until this morning that I had to think about what was happening. I was hesitant, paranoid that at any moment we would be discovered. I didn’t tell him this but, I didn’t feel, alone with him. The windows were always too close and too open. The door was always too open or too noisey. The fan was either making too much noise and not enough. The t.v was the perfect distraction but it was both too loud and not loud enough. I wanted us to be cocooned in my room, safe from intrusion, but I couldn’t feel at ease. I couldn’t feel alone.
So this morning I started thinking to myself. What’s the real problem here? I wasn’t ready. I would look at his face and I couldn’t wait to sink into it. I couldn’t wait to unwrap that candy I had been saving for forever, that extremely delicate, expensive, rare, most desirable, important candy. But I digress. I needed to reassess what this meant for me. What does my virginity really mean and why was I afraid of losing it. I’m not ready because- I am terrified that once I open this door and go through it, I wouldn’t like what was on the other side. I wasn’t ready because- If I really believed that it was time, things would fall into place and I would feel safe about going about it. I wasn’t ready because- as much as I loved him, I couldn’t help but wonder about the possibly of us not destined to be together. Yes, I believed that we would always somehow be apart of each other’s lives and I would love him whether we were together or not, but it still didn’t feel like a big enough certainty. Granted, he’s my best friend and yeah, that’s awesome, being with someone you love and who you absolutely trust. But I didn’t feel 100 percent open to it. I wanted to, Lord knows I have been feeling the need. But the need, is constantly being overwritten by doubts.
Here’s what I musing about again today.
It always seems easier for a guy to lose his virginity to a girl. We come from a generation of parents who most likely weren’t virgins when they met, divorced or simply never married. Everyone in our family, starts wondering about that girl their son/ nephew is with and what they do when they’re out late. I was telling my boyfriend this, people automatically start wondering about your sexual activity and if you’re being safe. If your kid is being really close with someone of the opposite sex their age, you automatically start cataloging all the times they went out, the times they came in late, when they came over and when they left. Everyone has a case of sex-on-the-brain. So that in itself is proper motivation to prove them right or wrong. But as the mother of a son (hypothetically speaking), you’re not eager to protect his virginity in the same way you would if he’d been a girl, or that of his sisters. You won’t be too worried about him ‘getting pregnant’ but still you want him to be safe, maybe come home earlier, check in, the norm. But my Bf’s mother is protective, he is her only son and with that being the new girl in his life will cause a lot of curiosity.
Family always assume you’re doing things you’re technically not supposed to be doing. For a few moments today I felt like it was so unfair, that I was constantly being managed by everyone else’s expectations, although ironically, I had a more liberal household compared to that of the Bf’s. As a guy, he’s already ready to go there, he’s got the energy, he’s speaking the language, he’s made up his mind. But as the girl…I’m constantly worried that I would ruin my life. All I can think is if I get pregnant -sure he’d be a great father but, the stretchmarks, childbirth, this vagina, i’m the one going through the physical and psychological changes for this child. All he can do is support. My family is constantly going to remind me of my failure and how this is unlike me and I should have known better. His family is going to grateful that he’s not a girl, and his cousins are going to wonder when the baby is due and probably say something along the lines of Congrats Big Man. I already started seeing the disappointed/ saddened gaze of his mother…(Mind you these are assumptions based on experiences with my family and stories I’ve heard about his) And Yes go ahead and laugh…I’m being a little bit crazy here.
I needed to stop thinking for a second about these hypothetical situations and remember what was really important here and now- my own well being. My life’s a mess. I have no idea what I want to do yet, and I’m trying. Everyday I wake up and I’m terrified that I’m going to have to make a split-second decision that I’d have to stick with for the rest of my life. It’s a silly thought. I’m constantly bombard with questions about what’s next and what I want to do and where I’m going to work. This is my final semester (at University) and I have not figured out half as much as I have hoped, but I am determined to live this life of my mine for me. I’m always worried about what people would think, what if I have sex, what if I get pregnant, and all I remember of these terrifying thoughts is how my family will perceive me- which leads to my decision.
I cannot give up a piece of myself and have it be put up for speculation and personal opinions. Exactly one week ago the most terrifying thing happened to me, while I struggled with trying to figure my life out. I celebrated my birthday, as if everything else wasn’t hard enough. I hated the age I was and I hated the age I was becoming even more, but in the middle of my disappointment I realized. I am a woman now. I don’t have all my shit together but I’m working on it and I will make the best of what I am doing, what I am and what I have. My virginity is a big part of me, maybe that’s just another social construct. Maybe in actuality, it’s just one step in the forward direction of something more complicated. But I decided, If I was ready, I’d already have done it. If I was ready, I wouldn’t have anything or anyone else in my head and I wouldn’t be playing around with the possible outcomes in my head, bracing myself for something horrible. If I was ready, I would be writing all of this. This is my decision, I’m around my mid twenties now, almost and I decided to give myself a break about it and wait just a little while longer.
Excuse my long ass book of a post!