I have never had a best friend that deserved the title and I’ve never lived a life full of people coming in and out, sleep overs or parties ot up all nighters with friends talking about boys and crushes. No, my life was simple and boring and ignorant. But I have lived, in one year, the year I was 20 and then 21 I had some experiences, I found myself in shenanigans, road trips, late nights, beach limes and I felt on top of the world after a few minutes. I was moody and emotional, irrational and full of expectations.
Now I find myself in a brave new light. I’m energized and I kinda don’t like to admit, but it happens to be a friend, an unsuspecting person, someone with whom I was content with ever other month, who I had not seen in months, that showed up one day, after one Facebook message and blew me away. We had a day that would have not been so different had it been with a best friend. We talked, he talked and I listened happily. It was so good to actually listen and not be the one talking. He blew me away with how different he seemed and how energized he was. It was an energy I shared and delighted in. I came clean about our disagreements and I felt strong in myself and in my own convictions about myself and life. He always a way of making me glow inside. He told me how much he valued me as a friend and I was reluctant to believe, I was afraid to take him seriously, because I had been heart broken enough. It’s such a cliche but in my heart I felt like I could trust people, I felt like I had been disappointing too many times and now I was just floating, not wanting land because landing would mean trusting the ground beneath my feet.
In this day it was too easily the best day of my year so far. I hope that there would be more, but the point is…I am tired of the same boring conversations, the same feelings of insecurity, the bullshit. I’m tired of the same rotten feelings and the arguments and disagreements, the flirting that leads nowhere, and guys who don’t understand the value of the people around them. I am fed up of feeling like shit, of letting people rob me of my joy and having to explain my feelings or justify myself. Listen, if you don’t appreciate me for who I am, if you don’t agree with me about the person I’m becoming, or the person I want to be for myself, then you don’t deserve to witness my life. You don’t deserve to have me as a friend. I am tired of having to stand up for myself, people telling me to stand up for myself, but when I don’t i’m met with no understanding, no support, nothing. You say you have my best interest in mind, yet you treat me like i’m just another one of your casual friends. I don’t have casual friends. I have friends full stop. it’s either you’re with me or not at all. All i ever want is to be there for the people I car about and in the process learn how to be the best person in general.
My friend told me I was dear to him, looked at me with this light and made me feel warm and fuzzy and all that good stuff I only like in the movies. It felt weird, but I loved being beautiful and perfect the way i was in his eyes…shit, sometimes I wonder…But any waysI felt re energized, I came home and I was happy, I slept and woke up happy, I danced and laughed and screamed and I was happy, I was bored , I am bored and afraid of going back to school, alone in my room, but I’m happy. I am good. I honestly feel better than I have in a long time. So while I have the feeling I’ll just enjoy it, and remember my strength so that when school hits hard and life starts scraping the walls inside my head, i’ll re read these words and remember that I have decided to be the best version of me. No more flings and living solely on moments, no more expecting people to understand me. I’ll understand myself, I’ll live for myself and I’ll not worry about what everyone else is doing. No time for other people to make my life suck. Screw you, this is my life and I deserve to be happy, I deserve the best, I want what I want and I will not compromise.