I cannot understand fully, nor do I think that I will ever understand my feelings about you. And that’s okay. Today was spent with your gaze on me. Today was spent in your warmth, today the best things that happened had something to do with you. All your words, your silliness and everything else overcame us. For a long time I wanted this to happen, I want you to myself, figure some things out. Once you and I walked away with our feelings in our hands and I’m not sure if you rested yours on your bed head, or if you let it go with the wind, but mine…stayed endlessly beneath my fingers, easily within reach.
I told you I wouldn’t write about this. I meant it at the time, but as I sit in the empty space that is my room, the solitude forces me to remember you, your touch, your gaze, your warmth, our shared time. In the late afternoon on my favorite day of the week, what came to pass happened to be the very thing I craved for the past couple of weeks. I can never explicitly tell you this. My honesty goes this far, I want to know all there is to know about you. I want to share my thoughts, dreams, fears and jokes with you. I want to stand at your side and witness your life as you witness mine.
We may not be meant for each other or to be together, but I cherish my experiences with you. I cherish our laughter, our confidence with each other, I cherish the moments where you say the things I’m thinking, where you laugh and I know the joke without asking. I cherish the times when I may feel insecure and you respond with kindness, gentleness, your wonderful gaze and some epic form of admiration for me. Somehow, I don’t understand it, but I feel vivid with you in these times, I feel colorful, I am bursting with fragrance and vibrating with excitement. I only hope that when I meet mr. right that we can manage to be half as silly and insane as we are friends. With you, I see and feel myself the way you do, sweeter, deeper, more meaningful. I wish I could be this way all the time by myself, but I’d be lying if I said I did .
The truth is, that growing up wasn’t easy for me, I was bullied and suffered social anxiety. I still do. I always struggled with self esteem and body image issues, where I had people who told me I was perfect the way I was and then turn around again and say something completely opposite and I still struggle with total acceptance of myself. You, however always remind to be that girl I am when I’m with you sometimes. The girl with the boldness, sassiness, strength and strong willed.That bright version of myself that comes out ever so often but never often enough.
What I’m trying to say is this…good friends and loved ones somehow manage to help you appreciate the best sides of yourself, because these good people are the same ones who inspire me to be a better version of myself. Every time spent in good company leaves a lasting impression, so forgive me for not doing what I said I was going to do and that was to not write about today.
I chose for the first time not to tell my good gal friend anything because this time out of all the times that we had was different and I would spoil it if I tried to explain to someone what happened. I find it tiring to try explaining what our friendship entails. Even writing these words sounds a bit dreadful. Sometimes I think of you as my best friend, because in a crowded room of people you’d always manage to look in my direction to make sure I wasn’t frowning alone like a loser in the corner. And as much as it can be frustrating at times (what friendship isn’t!) You inspire me to be the best possible version of myself.
Yeah so, this is weird. But still nice.