He was bothered by the things I had said the night before. I was on my period and I was talking to him about how suddenly I felt so vulnerable and depressed. I blamed most of these feelings on my hormones, but let’s be real, it’s something that can be easily be used as an excuse. I say ‘hormones’ I mean, that ‘I’m being the way I always am when I think too much’. Do other people success make you feel inferior? Do you feel like every time you have to see a status update about your classmate’s new job, or the endless photos of them doing things, exciting things, that you’re going nowhere in your life?
Here’s what I hate about social media. It reminds you that you’re young, while simultaneously letting you know that you’re getting old and haven’t done anything- Yes all those photos of your facebook friends going out and being tagged in party albums or event pages. This one was with that one at this event. This one had such a fantastic time at that event with some group of friends you’ve never seen or heard of before. This girl is in a relationship with that guy, but you already know, because on Instagram you can so tell. Not to mention if you have them on Whatsapp. The profile pictures and the cryptic lovey-dovey messages sells the idea very well.
The diets, fitness junkies and the fitness buffs use every opportunity to post about their ‘progress’ their food choices, pics at the gym etc. “Working out at the gym” or “feel the burn” These people feel the need to let you know how unfit you supposedly are. They’re always talking about how important the lifestyle is and randomly post ‘inspirational’ fitness quotes or my absolute favorite, those photos that say “this could be us” with a couple who look like the cover of Fitness magazine, or the supper bendable chick kissing her boyfriend from an absurd position and everyone’s like “Real love.” You know what i’m talking about.
Recently I just complete my first degree – Film Production. and I was faced with the heartbreaking reality that I know nothing still. I’ve learned very little with regards to useful skills- to become employed on a set. I felt cheated, disappointed and alone.
Thank goodness I had my good friend who essential shared in my struggle and understood my disappointment. It’s been hard coming to terms with the fact that I’ll be out of school soon and I still haven’t made up my mind about what i really want to do yet.
I feel as if time is running out and I assumed that by the time I was finished with this semester I would have a plan in place.
When you’re constantly trying to figure out what direction your life is headed and trying to understand what you next move is, It’s hard to be constantly bombarded with status updates and photos about how everyone else is doing. People’s opinions and thoughts and ideas or beliefs are constantly on my newsfeed. Everyone feels the need to constantly update their facebook with all the places they’ve been and the jobs they’re doing…and I’m looking at it all and feeling even worse about the fact that I haven’t been doing anything. I am afraid. I am afraid of failing, of never finding what I truly meant to do and every time I begin to feel okay with the idea of not knowing all the answers right away, I log unto to my social media account and I can see all things I’m not doing or ‘missing out on’ It’s like everyone else succeeds while you struggle and when you succeed they don’t or won’t notice.
So about my friend’s advice… he was worried that i’m constantly falling back into my negative space. I get depressed, and complain a little and then constantly bring up things in the past. The past is the past, but sometimes when you’re so disappointed with your present and you have no idea what the future is yet, the past is the only thing you can be sure about, oddly and ironically. Still The past cannot be changed or altered, it’s gone. But it’s like I get stuck looking at the photographs worried about the composition and lighting, when I should be more concerned with how I am about to capture new things, what my next step is going to be…the next picture, the bigger picture.
He called it “Angie’s Plan for Life” It’s basically a list of the most pressing matters in my life presently in the form of categories. He decided that he wasn’t going to be like my past friends and tell me that I need to do something or change (this is obvious) He instead took this approach. He was serious and I was hesitant and uncomfortable as he asked me what’s the most pressing matter presently in my life. Money, I need a job, it’s the summer and I need money. Next, I said school, I have one more year and I plan to go hard. Work my ass off to keep my grades up and graduate with honors, though I’m scared about this, since my school changed it’s grading system. Then next we listed is Social- I am socially incompetent at times, I feel awkward and weird and I hate having to face the idea of conversation with people I don’t know. I am shy, introverted, self conscious, picky and quiet. I love listening more that actually talking. For this category he gave me a challenge- “Make at least one new friend every week. Strike up a conversation, ask questions about class, make smalls, get a number, add someone on facebook.” I particularly hated this, but I needed to accept the challenge.
Next was my home situation. My mother and I have been distant and I have been angry because I feel like I’m alone and I don’t have support at home. His advice was to make sure that i fix my relationship with her. Get her to care and most drastically, set a two year plan for moving out. I will be 25 in two years. Next was “Mental”- This category was simple, Every time I say ‘No’ to something beware of the consequences. I’m usually very cynical and negative. So basically I need to change my mind set about things.
Most importantly I need to make up my own mind about things. I need to not let the opinions, views or beliefs of others dictate my own. I’d love to say that I’m my own person, with my own damn mind, but I realize that I still have to work on that. This is another thing i hate about social media, it imposes multiple ideologies upon you all at once, so that if you’re not someone with a sound mind, you can easily get wrapped up in the endless discussions about the thousands of things people post about. Feminism, politics, Homosexuality and gay Pride, Religion, poverty, Global agendas?? It’s a lot to take in for someone who wasn’t already raised to be conscious about these pieces of our society. My parents raised me pretty much blind and comfortable in that, I found that I wasn’t curious enough about the world and Oh yeah…I was raised mostly by cable t.v.
Now I am dedicated to learning more about myself, meeting new people and experience the length and width of relationships (of a romantic nature) I feel like I’m actually putting things in place mentally to start physically going after the things I want in life. I must admit, having a friend like this one has encouraged me to be braver, to eat in public without feeling self conscious; to love openly; to ask for help; to be honest; and to be able to know when i’m not acting positively. It’s important to have someone who you can trust to be honest and open with you about you and not just let things slide for fear of hurting your feelings. After all, one lesson i’ve learnt this year is that sometimes your way of thinking doesn’t just affect you and what you do, but it can affect the people around you. So I’m off now to go get started on making steps and plans to call the things I want from life, into my life.